To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
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My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I have two kinds of followers
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum