Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
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6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician