6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Geez man, take it easy.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
✌🏽
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
O Wise One….
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.