Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me irl
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes