I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.