To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
You know I’m something of a chef myself