To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I identify as an antique shop.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Holy shit he’s back