To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
You Might Also Like
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
sin harder.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.