Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
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I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone