Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
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Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled