To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage