To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“You drive, I’m tired.”