To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.