They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.