To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*