Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
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My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet