Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
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When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
But is it really??
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.