To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
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*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
BaD BoY!!
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.