Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
You Might Also Like
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
When your man makes a valid point
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.