Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
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I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Good advice.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice