To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band