To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer