To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Plant care tips
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.