@Moemontes: To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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@ThePocketJustin: Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Make her the center of attention ME: Okay [later at restaurant] ME: *throws food at next table* ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
@Pirate_nurse: It's 6 am and I've already referred to a patient as "the one with the tig ol biddies"...wonder what time HR gets here
@GrantTanaka: Facebook Mom: OMG I can't believe my kid is a high schooler now Me: me too, he was quite stupid