[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
“Sheer Arrogance”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
my fav colour is also hitler
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas