me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
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Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying