People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
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Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick