To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?