To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
It’s an epidemic…
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My Guy
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.