To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
yall want some gasoline milk
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.