Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.