@KatieBurnett: To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit - I will find you, and I will marry you
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@SlabBaconBP: My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he's finished.
@internetluke: [police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] "Why no pants on?" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
@LoveNLunchmeat: Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. "For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan."
@Marcmywords2: The family you've pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.