To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
12653.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Nice try, poison.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation