To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
dads on road-trips be like
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*