To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
You Might Also Like
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Sign of the day..
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!