To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
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I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.