[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.