[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.