To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
bugs when you lift up a rock
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
BETRAYAL
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.