@Fred_Delicious: To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I'm not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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@seamussaid: FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys
@Prof_Peejay: Students, unfollow me now. Tonight's drunk subtweets might sting a little. Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.
@LurkAtHomeMom: I just don't get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?