@Fred_Delicious: To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I'm not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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@AbbieEvansXO: Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
@murrman5: [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
@juneohara65: My cat is smarter than I am but I'm brighter than most plants, so I feel like I'm holding my own.
@NoDomesticDiva: A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.