To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I already tried new things thanks.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep