To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My blood type is b hungry.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer