To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I’ve been drinking.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.