To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You Might Also Like
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
technically true but not a great slogan
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?