@onascaleof1210: To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. 'cause if you get any closer, I'm gonna assume you do and give you one.
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@outsmartedmommy: The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won't stop calling me as if that's going to help me rest.
@BuckyIsotope: Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
@iwearaonesie: me *watches toddler push wife's work papers off the coffee table* wife *walks in* Who did this? me: Your stupid cat
@onelongbender: Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.