@BeardedSteel: Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
Me: ...ok
@Darlainky: *asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
@NurseMurderer: Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
@Playing_Dad: [Alien abduction]
Me: What's it like on your planet?
Alien: Very barren, desolate
Me: But no politics?
Alien: No
Me: Ok, let's go
@DurtMcHurtt: [job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
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