To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
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St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.