To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
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Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.