@topaz_kell: To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
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@ladybroseph: Many said I couldn't crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.
@EndhooS: Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad Me: I know GF: What'd you get? Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
@queuethorn: mom: what's that internet thing called, "scream shitting"? me: ... me: shitposting? mom: SHITPOSTING.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat