@topaz_kell: To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
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@onion_an: [knock on door] Who is it? "Jeff" Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity? "Jeff from work" [opens door] "Sucker"
@AimeeHelene1: At my funeral, I want them to play "Thriller" and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing. (wins at death)
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet! Me: Back off! I know karate. *later* Me: Well, he called my bluff. Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
@WheelTod: We'd been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation