To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids