to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
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A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
thinking about a very short hotdog
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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