to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
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shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
welp
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’