@mean_crow: to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
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@duplicitron: I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
@shashaintl: 11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE'S... Me: Grounded.
@: ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!” COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
@sixfootcandy: The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it's over.
@AlexvanBeek: Hey, Facebook. Dead people can't read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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