@amydillon: [concert] SINGER: How's everyone feeling tonight??? ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I'm in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

@lawblob: son let me tell you about the birds and the bees... I left a window opened and they flew in and now I'm scared to go in that room

@sfreeze6: [on deathbed - calls for son] ".....if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it....."

@ElleOhHell: If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

@david8hughes: [leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting] I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.