@garrettbarry70: Staying at my daughter's place again this weekend. Can't wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there's a moth in my room.

@ElKnuckelhombre: I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

@Just_A_Guy72: Flowers: Because nothing says "sorry a loved one passed away" like something else that'll wither and die right in front of you

@kumailn: So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say "April Fools!" & we get our country back?

@scott_towel: Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.