to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger