@murrman5: [to the secretary before I go in for job interview] "when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine"
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@SirEviscerate: *builds time machine* *goes back in time 183 days* *earth is on the other side of the sun* *dies in space*
@GayAtHomeDad: When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.
@Roflindian: By iPhone 30, you'll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
@tsm560: [in bed] Her: Easy, cowboy. I'm not having unprotected sex. Me: No worries! Her: Where are you going? Me: To lock the front door. Her: ...