[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
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6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids