Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.