@Phoebetate: To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.
@waelwulf: Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
@girl_a_whirl: I've reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I've attached it to the leg of a deer. I was born to run.