@Phoebetate: To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
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@ReeseButCallMeV: My niece said I look like a mom. So now we're playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
@sexypitabread: I accidentally said "pastryarchy" instead of "patriarchy" and now I have a vision for a better world
@captainkalvis: friend: is this tv high definition me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce? TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting