@Phoebetate: To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
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@GreenishDuck: This is just a quick reminder that we're all gonna die one day so don't get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
@Bobinhiding: Sext I just received from my wife- "Wake up! You're snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed."
@jessokfine: How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
@Not_From_Troy: Whenever I'm in doubt, I ask myself "What would Jesus do?" then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren't brilliant